The BOSS OF ME blog

Well, that’s not it. But maybe it should be.

While wearing war paint inspired by my latest Netflix addiction (The 100), I tried to put my toddler down for a nap. She was having trouble going to sleep, but as she wears a perpetual ‘WTF’ look on her face, I’m not sure the heavy eye makeup was the source of her insomnia. Why was I wearing war paint you might ask? Well, a) I don’t have a job, b) It was 2 pm on a Tuesday afternoon, and c) it was time to take pictures. So, now that that’s been fully explained…

Not every unemployed person I know is wearing war paint as they go about their day, but maybe they should. It would provide a blatant, unambiguous signal that this person is employment challenged. The unintentionally awkward question, “How’s work?” would no longer be a hand-wringing minefield of clumsy conversation. With a nod to the war paint, the visually informed inquirer would skip straight to the weather. Needless to say, pointless conversations about meteorological conditions would skyrocket. Alberta’s weather has been so record-breakingly cooperative, it would seem that Old Man Winter also received a pink slip this year. Was it a conscious effort to keep the collective psyche of Albertans somewhat intact, or because he was a cantankerous old asshole? I’m not sure. Whatever the reason, those responsible for cosmic jokes apparently took this opportunity to give Old Man Winter the old ‘heave-ho.’ So we’re sticking to the weather and we’re assigning blame.

Who are we blaming?

Anyone and everyone: the Government, the Saudis, the Americans, the Mayor of Montreal, the Environmentalists, the 1%, Oil & Gas Companies, and on and on. All we know is it isn’t our fault. Watching the news is downright depressing, and no one seems able to offer a clear picture of when the economic situation in Alberta will improve. Many of us are thinking: “What can we do about it?” Like most people, I have watching Netflix covered and so far I’ve only come up with the war paint idea. So I thought harder and came up with this: 

“We could quit assigning blame. We could instead inspire all Canadians to come together as the great nation we are and focus our collective power for positive change on efforts that will result in actionable solutions.”

What can I say? I am optimistic and have a tremendously positive disposition. When the chips are down, I bend over and eat them.

Like the current economic situation in Alberta, the chips are down: on the floor mostly. I live with a toddler so all of my snacks have either been on the floor or underneath couch cushions at some point before consumption. Abundant and widespread, delicacies such as goldfish crackers, dried cranberries, and chips of all varietals wait on the floor for ravenous consumers. And even if you have to bend over to eat them, you do it because they’re not in the toilet…yet. So until the economy is fully in the crapper and all hope is lost, I’m wearing my war paint. I’m going to encourage others to wear war paint too. We’ll stop talking about the weather and blaming others. We’ll focus collective efforts on finding actionable solutions for our economic challenges and maybe even find jobs!

Just kidding! That sounds really hard and I’ve way overextended myself already. I had to bend over backwards to eat those chips. So despite the absence of fortunes won over wagers that I would just sleep until a job found me, I decided it was time to lie down and think about what to do next.

Well whatever you do, don’t get caught ‘lying down on the job.’

I’m not sure how that hum-zinger of an expression started, but when it came to mind I thought: “Maybe I should find a job I can lie down on? I am a professional grade sleeper by all accounts!” From a prone position, my research began in earnest and BOOM! Guess what I found? If you guessed: ‘a goldfish cracker under my ass,’ you would be correct! My search also turned up ‘writer.’ Coincidence? I think not. After sex trade worker, writing was the profession the Internet advised was best for lying down on. I discovered NASA is also paying people $18,000 to lie down for 70 days if you’re interested. I believe there are a few positions still open. While contemplating my extensive list of indisputable qualifications for such a position, the guy I’m married to reminded me that we have a toddler. Right. In ‘total’ support of my new career objective; my husband pointed out numerous articles on horizontal parenting. So, armed with an overabundance of ideas on how to play with my toddler while lying down, I think to myself: “I am really on to something here!”

What are you on?

High on life and horizontally positioned, I play games with my toddler. I wear war paint to avoid awkward conversations, but mostly because that shit’s hard to get off. I want to inspire Canadians to focus on actionable solutions to our economic challenges, because watching Netflix and sleeping until a job finds us, doesn’t seem to be working. Despite my sore back, I continue bending over backwards to eat chips off the floor. That’s what I do when the chips are down. While I blather on about my latest article to the guy I’m married to, he asks, “You’re lying down where?” I reply, “On the…” And think to myself “I get it you asshole. To lie down on the job I need to have one.” (Or maybe I yelled it, I can’t remember – I’m prone to concussions).

THE END