The fucking Kübler-Ross Change Curve® model followed me to work so I fucked with it and added an 8th stage: Absolute Clusterfuck
As I wondered if I could become more annoyed during the mandated all-hands meeting, three of my colleagues taped a huge Kübler-Ross Change Curve® model infographic to the boardroom wall, and it was confirmed. Yes, I could.
We are fucked
What the fuck is this? I said to myself as I fruitlessly tried to stop my eyeballs from rolling to the back of my head. Yet another major change was being thrust upon us and one of our leaders decided we needed help dealing with our emotions as we went through it.
Originally developed by the Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, the Kübler-Ross Change Curve® is a model used to explain the grieving process. Some corporate jokers in the ’80s thought this model would be a good tool to use to help Corporate Morons© deal with change at work and modified it for the workplace.
Now, I understand why a model based on grief was needed to help the Corporate Morons© of the early 80s and 90s manage through change. Computers, printers and standard-issue desk phones with too many buttons were infiltrating workplaces everywhere. Change was rampant. Arnie’s Terminator movies had been released. Robots were going to take over and employees couldn’t even figure out how to make an external phone call. People were silently freaking out in their cubicles, and leaders had no idea how to help because we didn’t talk about our emotions. Ever. Feelings at work?! Fuck that.
Enter the Change Curve Model
As they walked us through the stages, I pondered, “What the fuck is she even talking about?” I understand that the 80s and 90s morons needed this shit but in the 2020s? Fuck. Today’s workplaces change faster than ChatGPT can draft an email response to Tattletale Tina’s prying questions about your PTO. And, we expect workers to do their jobs, navigate constantly changing processes and new systems implementations, and be fucking happy about it.
Needless to say, the model taped to the wall sure as shit didn’t resonate with me, so I found the red pen function in Microsoft Word and ‘changed’ it into something I could relate to.
The Change Curve Model for Corporate Morons© That Are Fucked
Stage 1: Shock | What the fuck (WTF)
After a temporary state of paralysis wore off from the shock of hearing that we were about to endure another departmental organizational change in the middle of a company-wide transformation, I thought “What the fuck!” Followed very quickly by my go-to reaction to any type of change, “Fuck this!”
Stage 1a: Fuck This!
“Fuck this!” I repeated under my breath several times as the leader at the front of the room moved on to walking us through the Denial stage. I’ve added Stage 1a, ‘Fuck This!’ to the model as I routinely circle back to this point during any corporate change initiative or when someone politely asks me to do my job or anything else I don’t want to do.
Stage 2: Denial | No Fucking Way!
“No fucking way!” my internal monologue continued. There is no way the department can manage more change right now I thought as I locked eyes with my boss standing across the room.
Stage 3: Frustration | FUCK!
“FUCK!” I raged in my head, his eyes said it all. This was happening. Which executive decided that we needed more major changes? Why isn’t anyone stopping this? I am so fucking angry! Do I have to support my team through this change? FML. The thoughts spiralled around in my head so fast they didn’t have time to make it out through my face, thankfully.
Stage 3a: What The Fuck is Even Going On Here?
“What the fuck is even going on here?” An executive walks by the boardroom filled with the employees of an entire department starting at a large infographic and asks what we are talking about. Even leadership seems to have lost track of what the fuck is even going on; with the change, with the meeting, and with life in general.
Stage 4: Depression | Fuck My Life (FML)
“Fuck my life,” I thought as I entered the Depression stage realizing I was expected to support those that reported to me through their fucking emotional journey. How am I supposed to do this? I’m a Gen Xer. Having spent my life avoiding feelings and shoving my emotions into my sciatica, I have the emotional capacity of a turnip. Maybe I should give this fucking model a try.
Stage 5: Experiment | I’m Not Fucking Sure About This
“I’m not fucking sure about this,” was my next thought as my colleague droned on. I moved on to the Experiment phase as the initial shock, disbelief, frustration and depression were replaced with annoying feelings of positivity and optimism that eventually follow my initial reaction to anything other than what I was expecting.
Stage 6: Decision | I Think I’ve Fucking Got This!
“I think I’ve fucking got this,” the annoyingly positive part of my brain thought as it grappled for control over my initial negativity. I moved into the Decision stage as I learned more about the situation. Maybe this won’t be the dumbest thing we do this year. Maybe this can work!
Stage 7: Integration | I’ve Fucking Got This!
“I’ve fucking got this!” I’d convinced myself by the time the meeting ended. Accepting the change and committed to its integration, I chatted with my colleagues on the way back to my office.
My optimism was short-lived. I heard the rumbling before I even reached my desk. Something was up, and it wasn’t good. A corporate-wide email announcing a restructuring of the executive team had just hit our inbox.
A shuffle of the executive team while we are in the middle of a corporate-wide transformation and a departmental organizational change? “This is an Absolute Clusterfuck,” I muttered, berating myself for the optimism I had felt just moments before.
Stage 8: Absolute Clusterfuck
If you work in corporate, you will inevitably end up in an Absolute Clusterfuck.
Not to be confused with the regular old clusterfuck the military came up with, an Absolute Clusterfuck is a unique cluster of corporate fucks designed by senior-level Corporate Morons© who don’t know what they want, but want ‘it’ done anyway. There is no budget, resources, or plans for ‘it’ and the timeline for ‘it’s’ completion is: immediately.
The primary communication method used to create an Absolute Clusterfuck is a modified version of the telephone game where an executive lays out confusing and irrational requirements to a team of middle managers. Middle managers then disseminate their versions of the expectations and plan for ‘it’ down throughout the corporate hierarchy until it reaches the Corporate Morons© who are expected to do ‘it.’
Corporate Morons© who:
- Are expected to do ‘it,’
- Ask clarifying questions, or
- Offer suggestions to improve ‘it’ and ‘its’ roll-out,
are promptly assigned to a cross-functional task force.
In addition to their regular duties, the members of the cross-functional task force must attend several more meetings per day with the objective of un-fucking the initiative.
You will note the Absolute Clusterfuck holds a prominent place in the Change Curve Model for Corporate Morons© Who are Fucked, as they will inevitably circle back to it several times a month, and more often if they are implementing a system the CEO’s nephew pitched to the board.
What is the fucking point already?
It’s pretty obvious that my trajectory along the Change Curve for Corporate Morons© That Are Fucked, more closely resembles a multitasking mosquito fighting a cyclone with a paperclip than the lollygagging slow roll of the Kübler-Ross Change Curve®.
I’m guessing yours does too.
So, with a 99.9% chance that your workplace is going through a change right now, on a scale of WTF to Absolute Clusterfuck, where are you today?
What kind of Corporate Moron© are you? Find out here:
Originally published in Another Fucking Publication on Medium: Change Curve for Corporate Morons© that are Fucked on August 16, 2024.
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